Hope. I have heard countless teachings that hope doesn't disappoint. Hope is the lifeline, off which all things are based. Jesus is hope. Hope lives! Then why, each month, as my husband and I waited for a positive pregnancy test did hope continue to disappoint? What did it say about my faith that I couldn't rely on hope, didn't want to and even became outraged with the idea of hope? I became desensitized to women who had what we wanted. Baby showers, pregnant bellies and family photos didn't affect me anymore because I had lost hope and I was so angry about that. I pray our story restores hope that may be lost and will become a voice for those who may be struggling with infertility. Most importantly I pray it gives a little peace, you are normal, your feelings are normal, and the gap that may exist is ok. I will stand for you, in that gap until it is bridged with the unfolding our your
journey. Our journey began 8 years ago when I married the man of my dreams, my beloved Andy. I had big plans for our life, plans that included children before we were 30. I wanted to be the mom that I dreamed of as a little girl as I played mommy with my dolls. I wanted to fulfill the dream I had in 5th grade, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I promptly responded "a mommy".

When months and then years went by with no success we chose to seek medical attention. We went to an OBGYN, had multiple tests run, were told to wait longer, stop worrying and it would happen. We waited and waited with no success. At what would be our final appointment with this particular doctor, we were told it was impossible. Impossible. I had no idea what to do. I was shocked and all the hope I had that a doctor could "fix" us was ripped away from me. A few months passed and we were lead to PREG, a fertility specialist in Greenville, SC. We endured more tests and more bad news. But what we encountered were people who loved the Lord and wanted nothing more than to see their patients become parents. Through their advice we chose to do a round of IVF. The Lord provided for us financially and everything seemed to be working out perfectly. The shots that I had to give myself weren't so
bad. The round of invasive procedures were tolerable. This was going to be it! Everything we waited for! When it was time to test to see if the 2 precious babies that were implanted survived, we experienced every emotion you could think of. Happy. Scared. Hopeful. Ready. While waiting for the blood work, we found out that the 7 other babies that were harvested as eggs days prior and fertilized did not make it. They did not grow as much as they needed to in order to be frozen. Our belief that life begins at conception means that our 7 were now with Jesus. Before we could process the loss of 7 babies, the phone call came. The test was negative, again. Now Jesus had 9 of our sweet babies to love for us, better than we ever could. We felt the urge to name those 9, a way for us to heal and remember them. We named our sweet children the fruits of the spirit and cannot wait to see each baby
one day. Knowing they were in heaven helped the healing process, but the void was still there. What I would I give to hold each one just once.

A few months after the IVF cycle I had surgery to remove a fibroid and attempt to open my fallopian tubes (one of the many factors in our infertility). The surgery was a success but the doctor felt that one reason the IVF cycle failed was because either my eggs, Andy's sperm or the combination of both were "bad" and would never result in a pregnancy. Our only option was to adopt embryos. We went through the adoption process and adopted 5 frozen embryos from a couple. As we waited for the Lord to provide financially for us to proceed with the implantation of
2 of the adopted babies, we found out that we were pregnant with twins! Twins? On our own, no medical intervention, just us and a Dad who loves us a LOT and grants the desires of the righteous! A few weeks into the pregnancy, we found out that we lost Baby B through something known as vanishing twin syndrome. We are confident that Baby B is happily praising the Father with his/her siblings in heaven. Baby A is healthy with a strong heartbeat and an active lifestyle. SHE, yes SHE, moves around a lot and puts on quite the show during ultrasounds. We will meet her around October 20th and will celebrate our 9th anniversary with an 8 week old!
I have come to learn much through this journey. I have not been the best student; I have fought the process, been infuriated with the teacher, and have overall just bucked the entire process. I am grateful for a Lord who offers grace in every moment, a community to bear burdens, and love that surpasses each emotion I ever had and will have on this journey.