Hope. I have heard countless teachings that hope doesn't disappoint. Hope is the lifeline, off which all things are based. Jesus is hope. Hope lives! Then why, each month, as my husband and I waited for a positive pregnancy test did hope continue to disappoint? What did it say about my faith that I couldn't rely on hope, didn't want to and even became outraged with the idea of hope? I became desensitized to women who had what we wanted. Baby showers, pregnant bellies and family photos didn't affect me anymore because I had lost hope and I was so angry about that. I pray our story restores hope that may be lost and will become a voice for those who may be struggling with infertility. Most importantly I pray it gives a little peace, you are normal, your feelings are normal, and the gap that may exist is ok. I will stand for you, in that gap until it is bridged with the unfolding our your
journey. Our journey began 8 years ago when I married the man of my dreams, my beloved Andy. I had big plans for our life, plans that included children before we were 30. I wanted to be the mom that I dreamed of as a little girl as I played mommy with my dolls. I wanted to fulfill the dream I had in 5th grade, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I promptly responded "a mommy".

When months and then years went by with no success we chose to seek medical attention. We went to an OBGYN, had multiple tests run, were told to wait longer, stop worrying and it would happen. We waited and waited with no success. At what would be our final appointment with this particular doctor, we were told it was impossible. Impossible. I had no idea what to do. I was shocked and all the hope I had that a doctor could "fix" us was ripped away from me. A few months passed and we were lead to PREG, a fertility specialist in Greenville, SC. We endured more tests and more bad news. But what we encountered were people who loved the Lord and wanted nothing more than to see their patients become parents. Through their advice we chose to do a round of IVF. The Lord provided for us financially and everything seemed to be working out perfectly. The shots that I had to give myself weren't so
bad. The round of invasive procedures were tolerable. This was going to be it! Everything we waited for! When it was time to test to see if the 2 precious babies that were implanted survived, we experienced every emotion you could think of. Happy. Scared. Hopeful. Ready. While waiting for the blood work, we found out that the 7 other babies that were harvested as eggs days prior and fertilized did not make it. They did not grow as much as they needed to in order to be frozen. Our belief that life begins at conception means that our 7 were now with Jesus. Before we could process the loss of 7 babies, the phone call came. The test was negative, again. Now Jesus had 9 of our sweet babies to love for us, better than we ever could. We felt the urge to name those 9, a way for us to heal and remember them. We named our sweet children the fruits of the spirit and cannot wait to see each baby
one day. Knowing they were in heaven helped the healing process, but the void was still there. What I would I give to hold each one just once.

A few months after the IVF cycle I had surgery to remove a fibroid and attempt to open my fallopian tubes (one of the many factors in our infertility). The surgery was a success but the doctor felt that one reason the IVF cycle failed was because either my eggs, Andy's sperm or the combination of both were "bad" and would never result in a pregnancy. Our only option was to adopt embryos. We went through the adoption process and adopted 5 frozen embryos from a couple. As we waited for the Lord to provide financially for us to proceed with the implantation of
2 of the adopted babies, we found out that we were pregnant with twins! Twins? On our own, no medical intervention, just us and a Dad who loves us a LOT and grants the desires of the righteous! A few weeks into the pregnancy, we found out that we lost Baby B through something known as vanishing twin syndrome. We are confident that Baby B is happily praising the Father with his/her siblings in heaven. Baby A is healthy with a strong heartbeat and an active lifestyle. SHE, yes SHE, moves around a lot and puts on quite the show during ultrasounds. We will meet her around October 20th and will celebrate our 9th anniversary with an 8 week old!
I have come to learn much through this journey. I have not been the best student; I have fought the process, been infuriated with the teacher, and have overall just bucked the entire process. I am grateful for a Lord who offers grace in every moment, a community to bear burdens, and love that surpasses each emotion I ever had and will have on this journey.

The State of the Robinson's

I am not great at updating. Can you tell?!
The TV is saturated with debates, campaigns, state of the state and state of the union. I figured we would have some fun today with the State of the Robinson address. Feel free to applaud or shift uncomfortably in your seat after each statement, that seems to be the norm at these events!

The Robinson's are strong and moving forward, respecting the journey we have had this past year and anticipating a joyful 2012.

I have learned a lot about my self this past year.
- I have learned that loss is not something you can tuck away and forget. It is something that lives with you and you carry, though the load is unbearable at some times. It is ok that it is there, it has shaped my character.
- I have learned that some things in life have an end. More importantly that an end is not a bad thing, in fact a very good thing most the time.
- I have dealt with judgements over the journey Andy and I have taken in our attempts to have a child. I have looked into the face of a friend as she said "you are not even using your husband to get pregnant". I have defended our choices and have wept when those I loved refused to understand. I have learned that the opinions of others are just that, theirs. I have learned that their opinions are not my burden.
- I have held the hand of the man I married and been utterly amazed by his extraordinary character.
- I have welcomed sweet babies into this world and rejoiced with friends over their new additions.
- I have learned what friendships should look like and what they are not. I have learned that friends don't have to "work" at being friends. They should not have to perform to have a spouse accept them. Friendship should be a natural answer to people who love each other. I have seen both sides of this and am thrilled to know true friendship.
- I have learned that hard work pays off.
- I have learned that laughter is absolutely the best medicine.
- I have seen joy and pain live in the same moment.
- I have seen laughter that results in tears and painful abs!
- I have listened to conversations that have changed the parties conversation.
- I have listened to great music, watched thrilling movies and some not do great.
- I have embraced those I love and been embraced.

I HAVE LIVED!

2012 has a lot to live up to.

It has been a minute....

It's been a minute since I have blogged. It has been a crazy month at the Robinson household. Lots of work, traveling, decorating, crafting, friends and much more. They always say, "A picture is worth a thousand words"... Let's test that theory! 

I attended my first Octoberfest! It was so much fun. There was laughter, good food, German beer and great music! 

My two favorite little girls were there! This is Mara and I being oh so last like at dinner :) 

Best.moment.ever. Mac asked me to ride the carousel with her. My heart melted! 

Andy loves disc golf. Loves.it. In the spirit of spending time with him and finding a new hobby we could do together we went one Sunday. 

We discovered disc golf is NOT for me! I was horrible at it and enjoyed it as much as a trip to the dentist! We laughed a lot at my lack of skill and will! 

I have lived in South Carolina for almost a decade and have only been to Charleston once. That first trip was wonderful but t was short and was focused around the beach! I have always wanted to have the tourist experience in Charleston. Visiting a sweet friend for the weekend was the perfect reason for the trip! 

We went on a horse and carriage ride! 

The tour had breathtaking views of the city. 

Beautiful iron work! 

Dinner with friends 

More dinner photos

We went in a ghost tour of the local jail. It was FREEZING this weekend. The tour was significantly not as scary as I thought it would be. But it was very interesting from a historical standpoint. 

We decided we deserved some frozen yogurt after the ghost tour, as if we were not frozen solid! 

Maggie and kristy after the ghost tour doing their best "we are sexy" face. Pretty sure the boys lined up for these girls! 

A charleston trip is not compete without a tour of the battery! Such a gorgeous area! 

I fell in love with this house! Orange with blue shutters! A house made for a Clemson Girl! 

One of my favorite artists was in Atlanta. He puts in an amazing show. I have never laughed so much at a concert! Dave Barnes is legit! 

Dave Barnes concert

Thanksgiving trip to Lancaster, NC! It was a wonderful day until.... 

We got pulled over for speeding. Oopsie! 

The biggest day of my job has come and gone. This girl kept me laughing the whole time she was here! It was a great day! 

As tradition goes, when at Cracker barrel, one must always try on hats! 

It has been a great month! It has been filled with laughter and joy. 

This next month the goal is to blog regularly. I think I am up for the challenge :) *fingers crossed*

Stay tuned: update of the fertility process coming soon! 

An update the count would be proud of

A numerical update (I got this idea from my friend Pam - love it)

1 - go back to work pass because I am healing well!

18 - craft projects I have completed in the past 2 weeks - here is the latest....
Before-

After -

"after"

1- concert with 3 friends

Kristy an I freezing at the concert

The crew

Meeting Drew and Ellie Holcomb! Yay!


10 - days between going back to work and having a day off - read: there will
NOT be many updates!

1- sweet breakfast with family

Sarah and Ruby and the headband I made her

1 - friend staying with us whose mom writes recipes for Kraft

2 - the number of days she is cooking for us a week (the hubs is really happy about this - wonder if this means he doesn't like my cooking - oopsie)

3 - the number of times I will be in Atlanta in the next 2 weeks (subject to change of course)

1 happy girl living in 1 big world

Hope

Hope is a lifeline in our house right now and has been for a few years. I'm guessing hope will remain for years to come.

Our journey continues and hope comes. When we found out our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful (you can read more about that below) we also found out our embryo quality may not be "up to par." That very day we added our names to the embryo adoption list (amazing people donate their eggs, sperm, embryos to be adopted by couples who can't provide one or all of the necessary "ingredients" to conceive).
At the time we were 5th on the list and were told it would be about a year wait.

A week ago we were told that we were at the top of the list and our time had come! What?!? We JUST put our names on the list 3 weeks ago! We haven't even sent the paperwork back yet to officially be on the list! Oh hope, you sure do work wonders!

We received two profiles (descriptions of the sperm and egg donors) and had the task of choosing one. Wow, was this hard! Do we "care" about height or hair color or talents or education? Do we chose the one who is most similar to me or to the hubs? Is there a wrong choice?

We prayed. I cried over each one (big shocker, right). We read every word over and over again. We chose our babies!
There are 5, yep 5, frozen little embryos waiting for me to heal from surgery to come on the journey with us! Not all at the same time, breathe mama I won't be octomom! 5 tiny pieces of hope, OUR hope!!

I wonder what it will be like to carry and deliver a child that is neither Andy or I in genetics but is ALL Andy and I! Oh the hope that I can answer that question one day as I look at our baby!

Hope is beautiful, 5 tiny babies beautiful. Hope is intimidating, more shots and "procedures" and finances intimidating. Hope doesn't disappoint, a door was closed with our first cycle but this door is wide open non disappointment.

Hope just is.....

Busy as a bee 

Well not really. I have been on lock down in my house for the past 9 days recovering from surgery. Until this weekend I have been content watching movies and enjoying lots of naps. I am now in full cabin fever arrest! 
I enjoyed some craft time yesterday. Here is the fruit of my labor! I slept SO good after all my "activity"!! Whoopee 

Spare roll holder in the upstairs bathroom.

Felt flower headband made for a friend. 

A tiny headband for a tiny friend (Ruby) as a special thanks for coming to play with me while I was recovering! Model- baby bear heehee

Fabric flower headband made by Kristy for me. Weeeeee! 

Spare roll holder in the downstairs bathroom! 

Crafts are keeping me sane and still, both are necessities in this recovering process! 

What's next on the craft log? 
I am the new owner of 2 knitting sticks and a big ol roll of gray yarn. My friend Valeri is going to teach me how to knit. Yay! 

Our hope. Our comfort.  Our response.

This has been quite the past few days. Let's start at the very beginning. I've heard its the very best place to start.

Last Wednesday we had our typical Wednesday,   our home was filed with family! I went to bed early so I could sleep well for surgery the next day. I went to bed without saying goodnight to most of the family that was here. When I woke up Thursday I was greeted with their love!

I read and tried to memorize these special words from my family so I could take them with me to the hospital. <3 them!

Surgery was Thursday. The RN had a LOT of trouble getting blood (to run blood type and other tests) and set an IV. When I say trouble I mean 7 times of trouble. I was convinced that if I drank water I could be a sprinkler! This made me a little grumpy - ok a LOT grumpy!
The surgery was a robotic myomectomy. It went amazing! We knew it would have fantastic results because we have a wonderful Dr!  Have I told you how much I LOVE my doctor? Serious, he is wise, kind and incredibly talented! He also genuinely cares about his patients! When he came to the waiting room to tell Andy how the surgery went he was most excited that he was able to open my Fallopian tubes! He knew that was important to us and he knew we would rejoice over that so he did with us too! He also was able to remove the fibroid completely!
Recovery has been difficult. I have 6 areas where the robots went in. 5 are about an inch long and one is in my belly button. I have been in a LOT of pain and have been unable to do much other than lay on the bed. I have not been bored though! We have been lavished with love from our families! We have had dinners made for us, laundry done for us, dishes done and much more. The "things" are great and much needed but it's the time that has been so important to us. We have had lots of visitors who have watched  movies, played monopoly, read magazines and just sat with me so I'm not alone.
I have received some beautiful flowers too!

My sweet friend, Kristy, has spent a few nights here to ensure I am taking care of. She has loved Andy and I so well. She has said yes to every need I voice and has even taken care of the ones I didn't voice. Let's be honest when a friend offers to dry off your legs cause you can't - they are the best.
I would regret if I didn't tell you how legit the hubs is. He loves me SO well. The first night we were home I couldn't get out of bed alone. I woke him up 5 times that night to use the potty and he never complained! He has wiped my tears, calmed my fears and made sure I was completely taken care of. I gotta brag for a moment - Andy set up some people to come move our spare bed downstairs while I was in surgery just in case I couldn't make it upstairs. Dude drew a MAP of exactly how he wanted the downstairs to be set up! :sigh: I have the best hubs. I wonder if he knows how absolutely crazy I am about him!
We are now 6 days on this road to recovery. I go back to the Dr a week from Thursday and will know much more then. Right now we are happy.

Our hope: To hang this in our spare room... Soon!

Our comfort: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Our response: 
Psalm 9:1

"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I all tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High"